It can be so hard realizing and accepting that you did not get what you may have needed growing up, to become an emotionally healthy adult. To make matters worse, if you have the ability to and do talk to your parent(s) about it they may take it as an attack. We all know that they did the best they could, and we are doing the best we can. Thankfully, today, we have way more tools and resources to help ourselves do and be better. Better parents and individuals. However, it takes work. The book that helps me alot is How to talk so kids will listen, and listen so kids will talk by Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish. The scenarios and real life examples are triggering, yet super helpful. I have to continuously check myself: by that I mean I have to check my anger, pride, and heart, when engaging with my child in tough situations. I see and realize how much time it takes to walk a child, any person, through their emotions. Emotions that they can not name yet, but have to learn to express and navigate. To me, THAT is my job! I can’t do that job when I am rushing, imposing deadlines on her unfairly, not considering her needs beyond what I think she needs to do to be ready. This is important to me because I want to raise an emotionally secure, autonomous, proud, kind, and loving human. One who can stand up for themselves, but also give grace. One who knows right from wrongs, and navigate everything in-between so that they may be tolerant, even keeled in temperament, and above all she can lead with love.
I was at a brunch the other day when someone in the group said something very suggestive in front of my child. My child, who is expressive and direct with her words, wanted to be a part of the conversation (Read as: the adults were talking about the child, but not including or talking directly to the child). The person said, “When I was a kid I would have been popped in the mouth by now for asking so many questions and being in grown folks business”. I sat there waiting for the other adult, the parent of the individual, to say something. They continued on with, “Yes, well times were different”. This conversation went on and pretty much displayed the individual’s hurt and trauma. I chimed in after a while adding that the way I choose to raise my child is by empowering her to ask questions and speak up when something is wrong or if she has something to say. She may have missed some of the social cues as she is learning and still a child, so I address her letting her know that while we did mention her, she did not need to respond. My child then says, “But Mommy isn’t that rude?” Honestly, she is right! You should talk about a child in front of them. Instead I said “I understand, but we are not talking about you in a rude way. We will include you in a conversation shortly, just finish your food.” [My bestie Derrell would have/has had some words for me on this topic, as he is trained in this field, and I thank him for the insight and knowledge continuously shared.]
This interaction stuck with me all day. I couldn’t shake it. The topics that were discussed were disturbing, but to make it worse the other adults at the table didn’t see anything wrong with what they were saying even though they were clearly spewing hate, discontent, not displaying any emotional growth from when their traumas happened and WANTED TO PERPETUATE IT!
While this was very difficult to sit through, it was at that point I knew that I had to be doing something right. My child is already a change agent by just “being”. She is causing adults to look more closely at their inner child, address some unhealed areas of their lives, and hopefully catalyze them to begin healing. She definitely does it for me, and I am so grateful to have the will and interest to access great resources to help me unlearn harmful speech, behaviors, and patterns. To raise a child in respect for their life as a human, not as an object in my life. To adorn them in kindness and support without dumping my trauma on them, or trying to correct something vicariously.
Some may call it “spoiling”, or think that “she runs [me]”; to which I respond with if you want to scold a child or repeat an offense that you are triggered by in the name of “Back in my day / When I was growing up”, go for it. For me and my house, we will respect each other, be kind, listen, and affirm. I am not going to treat my child like an accessory or pet. I am raising a human - someone who will grow into an adult one day and I want them to be able to handle and express their emotions, thoughts, and feelings. In order to do that, I have to and will lead by example.
References / Tools for perspective:
How to talk so kids will listen, and listen so kids will talk (book)
The Parent Test: Hulu
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